Overcoming Jealousy

I just hope he starts to consider ‘us’ more frequently and talks to me  a lot more …

The fact that you can be jealous due to high self esteem and low self esteem is total news to me, but the more I’ve read up on it, the more I realise that I have a problem. If you find your self suffering from the green eyed monster, I am sure just like I have, you will find yourself asking what’s wrong with you. Let me begin by saying that jealousy is a normal emotion, just like anger (I mention that because they are both connected) it’s what coping mechanism we use, that will depict how the situation unfolds for us. If you’re like me you’ll just stop talking, or pout, in the hope that distancing yourself from your partner will actually make them want to pull closer to you. Well it doesn’t, which I am sure isn’t news to anyone. In fact it leads to them acting defensive and angry because normally, if it’s a situation you’ve created in your head then they wont be able to work out what they’ve done wrong. Overcoming jealousy is like changing any emotional reaction or behavior and it’s all going to start with realising there’s a problem.

The Stages of Jealousy:

• When your partner says something that triggers your anger/jealousy you can’t seem to put a lid on it, it will keep bubbling up inside of you until you argue and let it all out.
• You wan’t to put your point across in as many ways as possible to make them feel small.
• This one aspect that started this trigger of emotions has now bought up a million different issues/situations that have made you think they don’t care.
• As much as you want to talk to your partner like a normal human being, the mix of jealousy/anger just wont allow you to do so.
• You find yourself thinking ‘I don’t deserve to be treated like this, he/she should respect me more’
• You then begin to worry that you are pushing your partner away because you are constantly accusing them, but you just can’t help it.

Low Self Esteem Jealousy:

• You can’t understand why he/she loves you.
• You constantly need reassurance.
• You are always thinking your partner can and will do better.
• You are convinced that they find every person they talk to of the opposite sex attractive and has thought about sleeping with them.

High Self Esteem Jealousy:

• You find your self thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’
• You think you deserve your partners undivided attention 24 hours a day
• You are already thinking of how you will end things before they cheat
• You think they should only find you attractive and no one else, ever.

My Problem is …

I want my partner to put the same effort in with me as he did at the start, I want him to consider my feelings and start thinking about ‘us’ instead of just ‘him’ in situations that will concern the both of us. I know I suffer from jealousy because of anger, which is something I am going to try to work on. I find the longer I am in a relationship with someone the more jealous I get because I care and worry more, I worry because I think arguments will push him away and then he will find someone who doesn’t want to argue. I only argue because I care and I want him to understand me, I appreciate him and I love him, but my worry is that he will find someone that can do that minus the arguments. I constantly find myself thinking ‘I don’t deserve this’ when we argue and when I become angry due to the fact that I think of every scenario where he has put me or us second and his own want’s first. In a relationship I believe you should always consider the other person and it makes me angry when he doesn’t see things in the same way I do. But I believe if I work on how I deal with both my anger and Jealousy combined it will help how we deal with situations together.

TIP: I’ve signed up to #MarkTyrrell’s Pyschology course to help deal with my jealousy and anger within my relationship.

Your Relationship Should Be 60/60 Not 50/50

Giving something 110 percent is a common expression, meaning your absolute maximum effort. It means going beyond 100 percent of your effort and giving that extra 10 percent.

When it comes to relationships, maximum effort is usually defined as the relationship being 50/50. This just means both people in the relationship are contributing equally to the level they feel like is ok.

Just because you’re contributing equally doesn’t mean it’s always enough though. Relationships, just like anything else important in life, require maximum effort. Many times, you just need to give that extra 10 percent. I believe successful relationships should be a 60/60 split effort. Relationships thrive when both people contribute as much as they can and go slightly above the levels of effort they’re used to.

Unbalanced relationships are hard and will rarely last. They usually stem from one person caring about the relationship more than the other. Often, we let things like love or infatuation cloud our vision and lead us to believe that it’s okay to carry the majority of the weight in the relationship when it’s not.

A healthy relationship shouldn’t be a one-way street. When two people care about each other, they are not burdened by being aware of carrying their own equal amount of weight. They understand things will not always be balanced perfectly, since some people’s best effort can be greater than others.

The 60/60 rule doesn’t necessarily mean the contributions are perfectly equal; it just means each person is giving it his or her all, plus that extra 10 percent.

A healthy relationship is a support system. For a support system to work, it needs to be a two-way street, hence the 60/60 rule. Both partners should establish themselves as supportive figures in each other’s lives. You should do your best to understand and support your partner’s dreams. Create dreams with your partner, in fact!

Sometimes, we’re able to be empathetic and see the world through our partners’ eyes, and we become frustrated when our partners see things differently. A support system requires both partners to do their best to reciprocate the support they receive from one another.

Not only is it important to support your partner’s dreams, but you should also push him or her to achieve accomplishments things they may not have been able to do on their own. You shouldn’t be with someone who just “makes you want to be a better person,” you should be with someone who empowers you to become that better person, who gives you the determination to push towards your goals because your ambitions are also his/her ambitions

When you’re in a relationship in which both you and your partner give the extra 10 percent, you’ll feel as though you can accomplish anything with his or her help, and he or she will feel the same way.

Hopefully when you and your partner come together, you feed off each other’s efforts and achieve much more together than you each would be able to achieve individually, especially by giving that extra 10%

Relationships don’t have to hold you back; if anything, they can help you move forward. Your partner’s support can be the reason for something great in your life and vice versa. When in a relationship, be sure to give it your all and don’t settle for anything less than your partner’s all either.

Make-up Is A Social Survival Tool

I’ve now lost count of the amount of times I have used my love/knowledge of make-up to create some sort of social relationship with another female.

You could barely know someone, but once you’re standing in a crowded female night club toilet and you pull out your MAC lipstick in a shade that the woman standing next to you would die for, you’ll suddenly create relationship for life, well ok maybe not for life but it definitely made that trip to the toilet more interesting right? Obviously after having the obligatory half an hour discussion of shades, textures, whats brushes to use “I mean do you even use a lipstick brush??!!” you’ll feel like you’ve just ticked off another box from the list of standard things to expect during a girls night out.

My MAC lipstick collection now has it’s own drawer in my room, (maybe eventually they will have their own room, a girl can dream!) and to guys they will all basically look the same because they’re all dark and red, but us girls know the importance of tones!

The Younger Year’s

I remember when I was younger and I first started trying to take the plunge into wearing red lip colors and I hated them, I thought Red drained out my face and made my teeth look yellow, although this may have partly been down to a 15 year old’s lack of confidence in her body image, I also had no idea about tones, I thought red was red and that was it! My advice … any teenager who is standing in her bedroom plastering on her mums 5 year old bright Red lipstick, go in to a make-up shop, stand in there for about an hour trying them on your hands and just be patient! You’ll l find a color that you love, either that or a make up artist will come over and find it for you.

Example One

The foundation of one of one of my best friendships was built from make-up. Met one of  my best friends at uni and amongst a mix of bitching, alcohol, mistakes and make-up an ever lasting friendship was created. Every getting ready to go out ‘day’ (yes that’s right we normally spent a whole day prepping ourselves for a night we probably wouldn’t remember) would involve walking into a department store and buying a new make-up product from one of the counters. My best friend got me into highlighting cheek bones (something which I definitely didn’t think I had) and also showed me that eye shadow isn’t just for drag queens, she taught me some valuable lessons and I can say that our friendship is still as strong as ever, minus the alcohol consumption four times a week.

Example Two

The relationship I now have with my boyfriends mum definitely started forming around the first Christmas present I bought for her (and of course the fact that I love her son to pieces) which consisted of a lipstick brush, a dark maroon lipstick from Revlon and a Classic Red shade nail varnish from O.P.I. She loved all of them and to this day I am still asked for opinions on make-up combinations and lipstick shades, which of course I couldn’t be happier about. Even relationships that start out a tad …. erm rocky! Can be fixed by this neutral female ground which is make-up!

So basically …..

All of us women have a tip or some advice that someone else doesn’t know, make-up provides generations worth of conversation topics! We have the potential to share a common ground with a total stranger just from a lipstick shade! We can build relationships just by suggesting a tip that we would consider part of a standard routine.

So go and give some advice to your daughter, or seek advice from you Nan, build a relationship with your monster in-law *cough* I mean mother in-law! Have an Avon session with your work colleagues. I can guarantee you’ll always find out something new and be able to offer something new. Girls …. go and build your make-up relationships!