What does that even mean?

‘I feel like I could do better than you’ nine of the worst strung together words to ever fall out of someones mouth, especially when they’re saying them straight to your face. Ouch.

But I get it, we say as much as we can to try and divert how we really feel, our defence mechanisms come out in full force when our fight or flight reflexes are letting us down. You know you should run away from a situation that’s bad for you, but you’ve never known bad to feel so good. So you won’t go anywhere.

I have a real habit of leaving a trail of destruction behind me wherever I go, because once someone makes it onto my hit list, I’ll go after them with no regards to anything else around me, and I always get what I want. But it’s ok because that destructive path actually looks kind of pretty, it’s filled with passion, lust and physical desire. Some of the best things to feel for another person.

So what does it even mean, when you’re telling me one thing but I know you mean another. When I know your negative comments are being used as a deflective technique. It’s actually a very good psychological trick, but you won’t have known that. The more you think of something negatively the less you’ll want it, but you’ll have to spend quite a while trying to think of negative things to put you off of me, or shall I pretend not to know that?

When you go from thinking about something almost obsessively, it takes more than a few days to stop old habits. When you want something as bad as that, it’s going to take more than a few deflective words to actually trick your brain. But good luck, because I think you’ll need it.

Closer to 30

Officially turning an age that means I’m closer to 30 than I am to 20 seems even more significant that turning 21.

It’s as if all of a sudden, your decisions should start becoming sensible … as if the steps you take from here on in are actually going to have an impact.

21 to 25 is like a trial, a sneak peak into adulthood. Because although you’re working and paying a few bills, no one expects you to know what you’re doing and have your shit together.

But when you tell someone you’re 26, they start asking about your career and where you live and who you live with, it’s as if all of a sudden conversations become 10x more invasive because everyone expects you to have locked down what you’re doing and who you’re doing it with ….

I hate to break it to people fresh out of university ready to start their “adult life” but you will now just start to look for adultier adult in situations where you forget that you are in fact an adult yourself.

Most of us are still here making exactly the same decisions that we did when we were at uni or in our teens, constantly seeking attention from the opposite sex, texting our ex’s, getting drunk more than once a week, ending up in our overdrafts … the only difference now is that our hangovers last three days instead of three hours.

Getting older isn’t as exciting as I thought it would be, I can remember thinking in my teens that 25 was OLD, can we all just laugh at that together? Now I’m here just pretending to know what I’m doing.

But you know what, once you figure out that everyone is out here doing the best we can to not die of alcohol poisoning or undercooked food, you’ll feel better about your life. Everyone is at different stages and doing different things, especially in your 20’s. Some of my friends and married with kids and some of them are traveling the world, either of which is totally fine.

We’re all on our own journey and we shouldn’t be comparing it to other people’s.

Next Year

Next year I’m not going to chase anyone.

I’m not going to let arse holes walk in and out of my life as and when they please. If you want me stay, if you don’t then leave. Don’t ghost for a month or so and then pop back up on my phone like nothing happened, I’m not down for that kind of attitude thanks.

I’m not going to stand for anyone giving me half assed efforts, either give me all of you or just sod off. I won’t be standing for time wasters, or people who aren’t sure what they want. Don’t be a cop out. Be sure about wanting me and if you are sure, then tell me there’s nothing sexier than confidence. I know far too many people who have told me too late how they feel, don’t wait for tomorrow or the next day. If you have something to say, then say it.

In all honesty, deep down everyone does really know who they want and who they don’t. They just get scared to tell the truth. But if you can’t be honest with me then I don’t want to know, honesty is what builds the solid foundations of a relationship, something which I didn’t learn from my last experience of being with someone.

Next year I won’t be going on second dates with people I don’t instantly feel a spark with, I won’t wait around to see if it’s something that could build into being beautiful or not, I won’t be wasting my own time like that again like I’ve done this year.

Next year, I’m going to try not to put the nice guys as second best, the ones that treat me with respect. I will not go back to dating fuck boys.

Next year will be different, next year will be a me year. When I get back into my fitness regime and looking after myself better, I’ll replace Wednesday night dates with Wednesday night PT sessions and late night last minute plans to early nights and more time spent at home chilling out.

I can’t wait for next year year.

*insert ironic standard new year new me quote here, not really … I’m not that person*