I’m Not Capable Of Hating You

I can’t hate anyone especially you.
I wish I could, oh how I wish I could fill my body with such resentment for a person that it spirals into a fit of range and explodes into the most vile hatred anyone has ever seen.
I wish my body was capable of such negativity.
But it’s just not, I never hate people. I only ever hate what others turn me into, I see figments of myself change as people hurt me and let me down. I wish I could take my negativity out in others but instead I let it remould my personality and shape it slightly differently each time I get hurt.
I wish someone could melt me down, I would let them remould me and start again.
I’m sure if I tried hard enough I could remember a time when I was a perfectly moulded version of myself, before you ruined me.

You’ve made me hate myself over and over again, you’ve made me feel desperate and pathetic. I don’t feel good enough anymore, I don’t feel good enough for anyone.
The golden glow of confidence I had is getting smaller and smaller as I hate myself more and more because of you.

I crawl back every time and I don’t know why when you don’t even respect me as a person. Your vial and you swear at me but for some reason I just think it’s because you’re scared of how you feel. Deep down though I know it isn’t. It’s actually just because you don’t respect me. You probably never will, not enough to have my heart anyway. You don’t actually deserve another minute of my time, i’ll realise this. Eventually.